Three Keys To Success

Well. So you have finally decided to do it. It’s probably a good move, especially since she won’t be calling you back. Neither will he. In both cases, probably because you’re bisexual. No one likes turncoats. If you’re treacherous on your back, what will you do on your feet?

Now, onto the details. There is more than one way to brick your body. You don’t want to do something stupid. Surely you wonder how to do it well. Is there any guidance for punching your own ticket? I am glad you asked.

First, and I do mean first, you do not want this to be painful, unless you’re into that sort of thing. However, if you were into that sort of thing, you probably wouldn’t be getting a roll of pennies from the bank. Ceteris paribus, you should prefer a cyanide pill over proliferating paper cuts and hurling yourself into a salt silo.

Easy enough. Guns are widely available and you won’t have to pay off the credit card. But this reveals the second principle—no one can know it is a suicide. The problem with turning your lonely bedroom into a Jackson Pollock painting is that everyone will know what happened. You are already depriving your family and frens of a loved one. Do you want to compound their grief knowing it was by your own hand? If you are that vindictive, I can recommend my essays on homicide. At that point everyone knows and buying rope on sale is the cherry on top.

So what now? How about staging an automobile accident? Dark night. No one around. Just you pointing Satan’s go-kart at some redwoods. Which brings us to our third rule—minimal cleanup. Proceeding from our last rule, simply because you want to end your birthdays does not mean you need be indecorous. A beloved is absent and a recovery effort must be mounted to remove the vehicle and sell the scrap to the highest bidder? Dick move. Similarly, make sure all your paperwork is in order and your TODs have been signed. Probate is a bitch.

At this point, you may be thinking we are veering dangerously close to Arrow’s Impossibility Theorem. What methodology satisfies all three criteria? Gentle Reader, I know not. Should you discover such a scheme, please disclose it prior to execution. I have been pondering it for years. Perhaps you should sleep on it. Look on the bright side: you can always commit suicide tomorrow.