In Atlanta

As you may recall from Telling Tales out of School: Part III, I once had the “pleasure” of working with someone who made it clear that he wanted nothing more than to move back to the great city of Atlanta, Georgia; we soon began to wish he would do just that. Carlitos⁰ would frequently wax poetic on the topic: “In Atlanta, erybody be havin’ a good time, they ain’t like y’all people here. In Atlanta, all the streets is hoppin’ all night.” While these are not direct quotes, they are representative of his incessant commentary.

To my knowledge, no one at work particularly liked Carlitos, save possibly his childhood friend, who was already “employed” there. (Said buddy, as you may also remember, was unable to read.) Why? Carlitos was unpleasant, argumentative, and incompetent.

Just for fun, a few of us started making up new In Atlanta phrases which we imagined Carlitos might utter. Naturally, not being actual Carlitoses ourselves, our sayings were slightly more literate. Dear Reader, I will share some of these phrases with you shortly.

But before we begin, it should be noted that the basic structure of an In Atlanta saying is: “In Atlanta, all the __________ is/does _____________.” For authenticity, it helps to use incorrect verb agreement and outlandish adjectives, as well as broad, unverifiable claims. Let us examine an example or two.

“In Atlanta, erybody do they haar up real nice.” This claim could be true, to a point, about life in the big city; but where is your evidence?

“In Atlanta, all the mayors is mixed up in egregious and scandalous situations.” Again, this may or may not be true; either way, it sounds plausible.

Here are some of the Carlitos-like phrases which my former colleagues and I came up with:

• In Atlanta, all the brothers is gay.¹

• In Akron, brothers be fixin’ to beat yo’ ass, but in Atlanta, all we fixin’ is greens.

• In Atlanta, all the Zoomers be livin’ in they momma basement, but erywhere else issa vicious rumor doe.

• In Atlanta, all the alarms is always critical.²

• In Atlanta, erybody boss be trippin’.

• In Atlanta, all the cards is against humanity.

• In Atlanta, all the chillun got days they was born on.

• In Atlanta, all the grill cheese sammiches be havin’ Jesus charred into they back side.

• In Atlanta, all the hoes is witnessin’.³

• In Atlanta, all the homies doin’ they bankin’ fractional reserve.

• In Atlanta, all the kings is queens—’specially at the Lenox.⁴

• In Atlanta, ALL the recently expired physicists is a brilliant paralyzed assho’e.⁵

• In Atlanta, all the shawties is thick, but all the slim thicc shawties is breezies doe.

• In Atlanta, all the short white dudes is a assho’e.⁶

• In Hotlanta, all the baby mamas is fine af.

• In Atlanta, all the white boyz ain’ never listen to nothin’ but no Owl City.

• In Atlanta, all they pipelines be spillin’ Brent crude all up in places ain’ nobody care nothin’ ’bout.

• In Atlanta, erybody drinkin’ they Zima thinkin’ they Gucci.⁷

• In Atlanta, erybody got bronchitis, but ain’ nobody got time for that there neither.

• In Atlanta, erybody have they own scribe so they ain’ lose no million-ducat turns of phrases for they soon-to-be multiplatinum up-n-comin’ rap album they finna drop with they homies.

• In Atlanta, erybody iPhone reboot intermittently for no damn reason.

• In Atlanta, erybody stayin’ up off my Instagram—pure temptation.⁸

• In Atlanta, ery day Boxing Day.⁹

• In Atlanta, if issnota Badu joint all up in my Kardons then issa Rushen joint instead, coz issa weekend thing after my fade fresh. And that’s fr af doe bae.¹⁰

• In Atlanta, issa endless supply people talkin’ smack ’bout Atlanta.

• In Atlanta, MANKIND work in mysterious ways.

• In The Simpsons, only God an’ his boy be havin’ all five fingers, but in Atlanta, all they deities be havin’ the complete and utmost entirety of they digits.¹¹

Endnotes

0. Name changed to protect the guilty.
1. Carlitos was not a fan of homosexuality. This fact came out in the course of some homoerotic banter one day—all in good fun, mind you—and it was soon revealed that, maybe, his own son was gay. This possibility was Not OK. We wrote several gay-themed phrases to reflect this point, as well as to give a nod to Atlanta’s being one of several gay meccas in the States, not to mention the most notable one for black gay people. The joke also reflects the cultural reality that being gay is less acceptable in some ethnocultural groups than in others.
2. This is a reference to the details of the work duties Carlitos performed. See #16 in Backstage: A Legion of Limericks and the related limerick in A Legion of Limericks.
3. The verb witnessin’ can have a number of meanings. In the context of this quote (which I wrote), I intuitively know the meaning, but I cannot quite explain it. I invite any readers who may know more to add a comment below, as the spirit moves them.
4. As you know from #1, above, Carlitos was no fan of The Gays. Lenox Square is an upscale shopping mall in the wealthy Buckhead neighbourhood. While this neighbourhood is not a specifically gay destination, it is home to Atlanta’s only gay sports bar—Woofs Atlanta—and it is not far from another popular gaybourhood, Ansley Park. Part of the layered joke here is that if one were a closeted gay man, particularly a closeted gay black man, one might have luck finding a wealthy partner by visiting the mall in question.
5. This is a reference to the theory that Stephen Hawking was allegedly not the most agreeable fellow.
6. See the end of Telling Tales out of School: Part III.
7. This is a joke about Zima, in that some people drinking this beverage might mistakenly believe themselves to be arbiters of good taste. See also Gucci.
8. This is a reference to Stay up off my Instagram, which is itself a reference to the song “Sex with Me,” by Rihanna, which contains the lyric “Stay up off my Instagram, pure temptation.”
9. In some cities in the States and in the People’s Republic of Canada, it has become an unfortunate tradition among some degenerates to assemble at local malls on Boxing Day in order to engage in organised violence such as brawls, flash mobs, coordinated robberies, and other criminal activity.
10. Here, the narrator means that if his speakers are not blasting the music of Erykah Badu, it is likely that they are instead playing a song by Patrice Rushen. The phrase “issa weekend thing after my fade fresh” is a reference to the song “Weekend Thing” by Koffee Brown.
11. In The Simpsons, all the characters have only four fingers (including the thumb), except for characters depicted as God, which have five.