Top Eleven Refrigerator Notes
The delights of having roommates
0. Attention: The Intel® theme is NOT the same as the Ameritech® theme. It’s similar, yes; and it even has the same notes. BUT THAT’S IT. You know what? Please see the scores which I have helpfully posted. You can borrow my Piston, if you need it. You don’t even have to ask, it’s on the shelf by the side of my desk. You know this!!!
1. Please DO NOT soak wooden spoon!!!!!!! DO NOT SOAK IT. DO NOT SOAK IT. ARRRRRGH. Or I will cut you all.
2. Will someone please take the damn trash out? ***IT STINKS AND SLUGS AND ROACHES ARE ATTRACTED TO THIS FILTH*** I don’t pay good money to live in a sty!!!
3. For the love of the gods, if you’re going to bring the power lawnmower into the apartment like a moron, at least mow the carpeting more than once a month! How is this OK???
4. IMPT! ROLLER BLADES ARE NOT TO BE WORN WHILST PERFORMING AMBULATORY ACTION UP / DOWN THE STAIRS! THIS COULD RESULT IN INJURY OR DEATH! Forewarned is foreshortened, or whatever the phrase is. USE YOUR HEAD.
5. No, Fight Club is *NOT* a movie by which one can live one’s life. This is just stupid and ignorant, and you need to break up with him NOW, girl. Like, probably last week, before he even had a chance to say something so dumb.
6. The water bill is past due. Again. How the actual hell did this happen AGAINNN!? (Also, what’s with the paper cheques?)
7. Lint will cause a fire. CLEAN OUT THE DRYER BEFORE EACH LOAD. Or after. I don’t care which. Just make like Nike® already, m-kay? When a fire starts to burn, right? And it starts to spread….
8. Rent is payable on the FIRST. Not the third, not the fifth. DO YOU NEED HELP MAKING A BUDGET? YOU’RE GOING TO RUIN OUR GOOD NAME TOO! STOP DRAGGING US ALL DOWN.
9. IF IT’S BROWN FLUSH IT DOWN. Pee is OK to leave. For the love of all things sacred, do it. Every time. Poopy go bye-bye. You were supposed to learn this at like age 3 or something. Do I need to call your mommy, or what?
10. Why is everything in the next-door neighbour’s apartment all gold and velvet and mirrors?? What is wrong with people, and why do we live here?
Author’s Note: This piece is a compilation of real and imagined notes left on the refrigerator (and sometimes elsewhere) for roommates. More details:
- This was inspired by a real note, left in the form of musical notes on a staff. My roommate and I were both musicians, and there had been a debate over the old Intel and Ameritech advertising themes, which were somewhat similar.
- The first sentence of this one is a real note left by a friend’s roommate. Apparently, the other roommates had been in the habit of soaking a favourite wooden spoon, instead of washing it. (On the other hand, the roommate who wrote the note had also been in the habit of leaving her own dirty dishes in the sink.)
- This one is fictional; but I do know a story about someone who did not clean the dishes for SO long that a slug was found in a frying pan.
- One of my neighbours had a side job mowing lawns, and nowhere to store the lawnmower. So he brought it into his apartment. I asked him whether he was planning to mow the carpeting...
- ...and I once observed him carrying the lawnmower, wearing rollerblades, whilst walking up open-backed concrete stairs.
- Prior to having watched the movie Fight Club, I went on a blind date with a woman who, among other things, proclaimed “I live my life by Fight Club.” As it happens, we only had two dates. (The second was disastrous.) I later watched the film, realising in that moment I had probably dodged a bullet. (The movie could be worse, but I find it trite; further, I do not appreciate the twist at the end, as I believe it makes the rest of the film essentially worthless. I will stop short of spoiling it entirely, in the event that you wish to waste your own time viewing it.)
- This one is fictional, but based on the very real experience of living with roommates who have trouble getting their finances in order.
- Also fictional. The slogan for Nike is “Just Do It.” The last two sentences are a reference to “When a Fire Starts to Burn.”
- This one was inspired by a friend who was financially responsible to a fault, living with others who were not.
- This is always a fun situation. Nothing wrong with conserving water, but there are limits!
- I once had the chance to peer into the apartment of the neighbour mentioned in #3 and #4. It was a sight to behold: the lawnmower was parked in front of the television.
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