Maint’nance Express
Fool’s Gold
Editor’s Note: These song lyrics are inspired by true events, which took place when the author lived in an apartment complex.
Once upon a time, my furnace didn’t work;
I rung up Maint’nance and left a detailed message after the beep.
They done it in thirty minutes:
They did a good job of replacing my inducer motor.0
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS...
MAINT’NANCE EXPRE-E-ESS!
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS;
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS,
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS!
The furnace fix didn’t cost me nothing.
This isn’t a Home Depot!1
The job was done:
It was done right
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS!
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS!
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS;
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS!
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS!!
The furnace fix was finished.
I was back in my Moon Unit2 again.
I was wearing shorts, not having to open my door!
I was no longer stealing heat from the hallway!
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS...
MAINT’NANCE EXPRE-E-ESS!
(MAINT’NANCE EXPRE-ESS)
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS...
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS!
Rock over London,
Rock on Chicago;
State Farm, you’re a good neighbor.3
I rung up Maint’nance and left a detailed message after the beep.
They done it in thirty minutes:
They did a good job of replacing my inducer motor.0
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS...
MAINT’NANCE EXPRE-E-ESS!
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS;
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS,
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS!
The furnace fix didn’t cost me nothing.
This isn’t a Home Depot!1
The job was done:
It was done right
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS!
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS!
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS;
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS!
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS!!
The furnace fix was finished.
I was back in my Moon Unit2 again.
I was wearing shorts, not having to open my door!
I was no longer stealing heat from the hallway!
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS...
MAINT’NANCE EXPRE-E-ESS!
(MAINT’NANCE EXPRE-ESS)
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS...
MAINT’NANCE EXPRESS!
Rock over London,
Rock on Chicago;
State Farm, you’re a good neighbor.3
Endnotes
- See What is a Draft Inducer Motor and how does it work? and Replacing a Furnace Draft Inducer Blower.
- Comedian Mitch Hedberg: “I went to the Home Depot yesterday, which was unnecessary; I need to go to the Apartment Depot. It’s just a bunch of guys standing around going ‘Hey, we ain’t gotta fix shit.’” See also: An Escalator Can Never Break.
- A roundabout reference to Frank Zappa’s daughter, Moon Unit. Years ago, a friend and I used to refer to our condominium units as our moon units—perhaps partly in homage to Zappa, with the rest suggesting something being a tad askew.
- Wesley Willis had the habit of ending many of his songs with the phrase “Rock over London / Rock on Chicago,” followed by the slogan of a well-known company. See also: “Oil Express.”
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