Difficult People

One good move if you’re dealing with a difficult person—someone who is unnecessarily argumentative, complains constantly, thinks they’re always right, etc.—is to tell them directly they’re not going to win whatever game they’re trying to play. This can set your opponent off-balance, potentially making them doubt what you may or may not know. You must remain as unflappable as possible. This can help you win the game—that is, assuming you’re not already in the habit of playing only games where you win regardless of the outcome. (This is an even better strategy, although outside the scope of this essay.) More important, this approach can help your opponent realise that fighting you is a losing proposition, such that coöperation would work out better for both of you.

Another technique is to ask the person directly to stop being difficult. This can elicit an attempted—typically baseless—defence of their anger. They will explain why what you did was wrong and how it caused the person to be righteously angry. This outcome at least has the benefit of being potentially amusing. You can then watch for their next irrational reaction and call it out playfully: “I thought I asked you not to argue with me about stupid stuff?” It depends on the person, but calling them out directly can encourage them to reduce the frequency of their irrational, angry outbursts. On the other hand, this strategy can instead cause the person to continue being argumentative, or even escalate; at this point, at least you know you are dealing with a loser. This gives you a chance to walk away before you become a loser, too. The temporary pain of hearing them kvetch is offset by your new-found knowledge that they are not worth your time.

A third idea is to ask the person for a favour. I once did this while the person in question was obviously busy and irritated. His response was gracious and immediate. In fact, it seemed that helping me lifted his spirits. The most important part is not necessarily the performance or non-performance of the favour itself—nor even the reaction to being asked. Rather, it is that now you may have a better opportunity to be of service to that person in the future. Whether they help you or not, the act of having asked them turns into an excuse for them to ask you for help when they need it. Further, it can lessen their own challenges by allowing them to focus on something outside of themselves—namely, helping you, or at least considering the possibility. If the person refuses to help you, merely take note, and move on as though nothing happened.

Fourth: simply saying “no” to unreasonable requests is an underrated method. I have tried this, to great effect, a countless number of times over the past half-century. Depending on the situation, it can work wonders at home, at work, and in the world more generally. In addition to achieving the immediate aim (you are no longer being dragged into a fruitless activity), it tends to repel the overly needy, the inordinately bossy, the narcissistic, those unwilling to accept rational debate, and other unreasonable folks. Such pests are unlikely to ask you again, unless they are unable to remember how you dealt with them the last time. Obviously, this approach should be used sparingly with a spouse, boss, or anyone else with whom you hope to collaborate productively; but it can be extremely effective when the situation calls for it. (Also, if you are dealing with a spouse, or boss, where you are constantly having to say “no,” then at least one of you—possibly both—has a much bigger problem than can be addressed here.)

It should probably be noted that cultivating the habit of saying “yes” to any reasonable request is also important; it works well in combination with the practice of saying “no” when necessary. Getting the balance right will help you build a reputation as someone who is reliable and helpful while not accepting abusive behaviour from others.

A fifth approach is to stop dealing with a person entirely. I have done this only rarely—not even a handful of times. Typically—though not always—once I get to that point, there is no going back. For me, this approach is reserved for those who have repeatedly shown me outright disrespect, or who have proved themselves to be devoted to wilful ignorance. (You had best believe I was more than sorely tempted to elaborate with some examples here; but I have thought better of it—for now. Perhaps I shall tell you, one day, when you are older.)

Related to this point, I have been cut off, by others, several times. On occasion, this has been done directly; more often, it has been done surreptitiously: I later discover someone to have “unfriended” me, or I hear through the grapevine why someone has a beef with me. Here and there, I have been curious enough to find out why. It has almost always been because of the other person’s unreasonable desire to control, and/or to take offence at, my behaviour or speech in some way. I could see this reaction if, say, I had grievously insulted their belovèd, or stolen their prized possession. But no: it has always been because of something stupid. Yes, I am making a judgement here.⁰ In nearly every case, I am probably better off for not having to deal with the person any longer. I say nearly, and probably, because in most of these cases—were the person to come to his or her senses—I would gladly speak to him or her again, albeit probably in a more guarded manner than before.

Over the past ten years in particular, I have come to be grateful almost every time I have “lost” a friend or acquaintance.¹ It is usually for the better. More important: losing a person with whom one is misaligned only opens the door of opportunity to other interactions, whether that means more time with existing friends and family, meeting new people who are headed in a direction more sympathetic to your own, or (in some cases) doing literally anything else other than dealing with their nonsense.

I am sure there must exist other ways to deal with those who are causing problems in your life; these are some which have worked for me. Perhaps you would like to share your own ideas by adding a comment. (Alternatively, you could tell me why I am wrong.)