An Immodest Proposal

Stupid is as Stupid Does

Even to this very day, some banks, schools, hospitals, government agencies, and similarly backward outfits demand that you use “your mother’s maiden name” as the answer to a “security question” to verify your identity. The implication is that this sort of top-secret information is something which only the One True Owner of the account could possibly know. (It is debatable which is stupider: using your mom’s maiden name for verification, or using your Social Security Number.)

My Brilliant Idea

To discourage this ridiculous behaviour, I would like to put forth an Immodest Proposal. I believe you will agree that my Solution, while conceivably (pun intended) offensive to some, is also efficacious, simple, and elegant. More important: it is humorous.

Under my plan, all entities would be required to refer to your mother’s maiden name as “your mother’s Original Surname before she first had Sexual Intercourse with a male, up to and including the man who is purported to be your father.” This specific phrasing seems to cover, as it were, all the bases—pun also intended.

“My Mom is a Virgin” and Other Complaints

To be certain, my Proposal—perhaps unfortunately—has not, in its draft form, attempted to make any allowance for a subset of those people who were produced by artificial insemination; after all, in some such cases, a person’s de facto mother may be an egg donor, whose name—virginal or otherwise—is typically unknown. Would the name of the de juro mother be used, instead? This is likely another matter entirely, to be decided by the saints and poets, maybe.¹ What’s more, my proposal does not address an even more important question: If we were ever to invent a time machine, what would Jesus put down for His mother’s maiden name, since she had only a first name?

You may also be wondering: “What if my mother’s Original Surname—before she first had a go at the old chesterfield rugby—is the same as her current name?” Or, “What if she is an Independent Woman, Who Don’t Need No Man?” To these and similar questions, I would reply: “That is the beginning of a kōan, my Child, over which you must not trouble yourself until you are older.”

My Parents Did Sex—Now What?

Let us not get bogged down in these unimportant asides. It is Common Knowledge that Most Good People do not particularly relish entertaining the thought of their Own Parents having had—much less continuing to have—Sexual Congreſs. Thus, my proposed requirement would, I theorise, cause a critical mass of those who believe “your mother’s maiden name” to be a State Secret to become sufficiently uncomfortable with the question—“What was your mother’s Surname before her husband knew her Biblically?”—such that consumers would exert adequate pressure on the companies, which in turn would cease making such indelicate inquiries. Meanwhile, everyone else—that is, those who are not so easily offended—would simply laugh uncontrollably at being asked something so daft. In fact, Unbridled Mirth is already the default reaction for many of us, when we are asked for our mother’s, quote, “maiden” name.

An Aside

I have roughly the same opinion of “Security Questions,” which is a nice way of saying “we think you should have five passwords, instead of one, you feckless idiot.” It annoys me. I have had to use the Electric Telephone (!) to call a few of these clowns to allow their system to use the same value for all of the questions, given that there is no way I’m giving them the actual answers, and I don’t feel like keeping track of five passwords for every site.

So What Have You Got to Lose? Try My Product!

As a bonus, my Immodest Proposal would also offend delicate Snowflakes who are generally prone to taking offence—whether it be owing to the sex part, or the mom part, or the part where your mom kept her original name, or even because “OMG I HAVE TWO MOMS BECAUSE ACTUALLY MY DAD HAS ALWAYS BEEN A ‘TRANS WOMAN,’ YOU JERK!” etc. Such easily offended Flowers might thus be dissuaded from annoying the rest of us—at least until they had received appropriate help for their condition.

Afterword

This rant occurred to me because I happened to receive seven phishing emails in one day from “Chase Bank.” I dutifully visited all the Websites and filled out the fields as directed, substituting some “creative” values for some. The emails and sites were well-crafted: the Screens looked almost identical to the old chase.com site. Not only did they want my ATM machine PIN number,² Chase password, email address and password, credit card number and expiry date, and home address; they also wanted my mother’s maiden name. They somehow failed to ask for my date of birth. Amateurs!

Conclusion

Trust me, Dear Reader: my Immodest Proposal would be a Win all the way around!

Footnotes

1. EMILY: Does anyone ever realize life while they live it...every, every minute?
   
   STAGE MANAGER: No. [Pause] The saints and poets, maybe—they do some.”
   
   ―Thorton Wilder, Our Town.
   
   
2. Yes, I know.

Further Reading

• Thornton Wilder, Our Town
• Jonathan Swift, “A Modest Proposal”
• John Scherer, “Video Professor” television ads